so last night, i go to work in L&D and there are two patients there. then, one of them went home....so i sat there with NOTHING to do until nearly 11, when i was rescued. the ER called, asked if i could flex out and come work over there.
i just about flew across the street, got there, and clocked in. out of the world of wood floors, soft lighting, and nice paintings on the walls....and sheer boredom! and into the world of flourescent lights, noise, smells, and hustle-bustle.

last night, i took care of a drunk suicidal guy, a bipolar woman who needed attention more than a dressing on her finger abrasion, and a coked out guy with chest pain.

i had a BLAST........can't wait to go back.

as a child, she tormented me (not that i did ANYthing to deserve it!)....but holy smokes, i love this gal and she makes me laugh.....check out her blog.

http://getstung.blogspot.com/

I am still moving back to the ER....but there's been a delay. It seems that (lucky me!) I am too valuable to the L&D department for them to let me go right now....so it will be the second week of May before I go to the ER. I guess somewhere in there I should find something to be flattered about....but it kinda pisses me off, too. I -feel- like this is the L&D boss' way of flipping me the bird. ("yeah, sure, i'll let you go back to the ER....but on MY terms, not yours")....and I get the strong impression that I'm supposed to be grateful that she's letting me go at all... (policy says that the department you're leaving can hold you for up to a year after you go to that dept....so she *could* hold me til Thanksgiving - UGH)

But, you know, I can slog it out. It's only 27 shifts.....I'll make a paper chain and hang it in my locker.

Well, now....sometimes we just don't know what we're into until we jump feet-first into it.....

I've been working in L&D for about 3 months now and I've been growing more and more dissatisfied with it. ("But why?" you ask...) Several reasons, I'll start with the most trite first:

*I'm bored out of my freaking skull. This department is a high-risk L&D, accepting transfers in from 22 counties. There are, on average, 15-20 babies born there every day. Natural labors, medicated labors, multiples, perfect babies, malformed babies, deceased babies..... you'd think it was a hoppin' place. Not so at night. When I come in, usually the board is full...we divvy up the patients. By the middle of the night, we're usually half full (or less). By 2 or 3am, we're sitting around the nurse's station...doing crosswords, gossiping, knitting, reading, dozing off.... it's enough to make me crazy. Last night, I sent my patient up to Mother Baby (where they go to rest and recoup for a day or two) at 12:30am. I didn't have another patient FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT!!! This is by no means uncommon. The reason nights are much less busy than days is because the daytime has all the scheduled inductions and scheduled c-sections. The night time has either women who didn't deliver during the day or ones who actually go into labor on their own and come in during the night.......which brings me to...

*The difference between what birth -should be- versus what it is in a western, medicalized environment. I know that I hold a belief in the sacredness of birth that not all women do....in fact, the majority of American women see nothing whatsoever wrong with how birth is treated in our society. I am also aware that it is unfair of me to project -my- ideas and ideals onto other people. All that said, I don't know that I can, in good conscience, continue to work in an environment where my job consists of walking in, plugging her up to the monitors, starting the drugs to make her not feel, starting the drugs to make her labor continue after we've taken away any shred of normal biologic process and denying her freedom of movement or food. After all that happens, how could I possibly hope that she would actually CONNECT with what's going on with her body or the beautiful doorway that she must walk through to transition from pregnant woman to new mother? Another depressing part of it, for me, is that I see these women - strong and intelligent or whiny and not real bright - listen gape-jawed to whatever the doctor (more likely - the RESIDENT) suggests. They don't question, they don't advocate for their own wishes.... they are content to lie back and be handed a pretty baby after hours of watching tv or talking on the phone. Makes me want to just put a drive-thru window up in the department. And also....

*I'm homesick. Every day, I miss the ER more and more. It's true that I am a person who needs the faster pace and the variety that an ER brings....but it's also true that I miss *my* ER. When I first took the job, it was truly a series of lucky accidents that got me there. It was never my intention to BE an ER nurse.... but once I started, I was constantly challenged, stimulated, entertained, and pushed to learn and grow as a nurse. The folks there became my family. (Not to mention, I was blessed to find my Partner there, too.) When I accepted the job in L&D, it was so bittersweet....no, it was agonizing. I felt that going and doing what I had always planned to go and do was what was right....but I dreaded leaving my family, my home. Now, I feel like "well, I couldn't know unless I tried it, and now I know..." and the idea of leaving L&D is not bittersweet AT ALL.

So the upshot of all of this is that I'm going home next month. I have 3 more weeks in L&D, and then I get to go back to *my* ER.....and I can't freakin wait. I'm skipping and giggling and counting the days.

And here's some irony for you - AJ and I were so damned careful to keep our relationship a secret, because we feared that nepotism rules would prevent us from working on the same campus, or at the same time (and when you work 3 nights a week, if you work opposite your partner that means you'll just about never see them)......and once I moved to L&D, we 'let the cat out of the bag'....I mean EVERYONE knows about us now. Naturally, we were concerned that if I returned we'd be back in the same boat and be forced to different campuses or different shifts. So we did what we should have done in the first place - we asked the boss what the deal would be. We were told that because we don't have a legal tie (i.e. not married or related by blood), there IS no issue, as long as we remain professional at work...and on that note, we were told "Let's face it, you were together for a year before anyone even knew you were a couple, so it seems that you can handle yourselves just fine". Basically, we sweated over it for nothing!!!

I don't regret for even a moment the choice to go to L&D. It was life experience. I learned some new stuff as a nurse and I learned a lot of stuff about me. At this point, I can honestly say that I just don't know what I'll be when I grow up. I was working with the assumption that I'd be a midwife. I might be one someday....but I'm allowing for the possibility that I might not. For now, though, I am looking forward to getting back to the work that I have come to love.....

Started in L&D this last week. I've worked three shifts....total of 4 beautiful baby girls born! I'm beginning to sort out who's who there....still have to get to know people. The work, though, is absolutely fantastic. I don't really know what else to say at this point. It still feels like it's not real. I mean, I've (intentionally) moved towards working with laboring women for twelve years now (knew I was drawn to it even before that...), and it's hard to really believe that this is my job now. It may just be that I'm not used to the new schedule (I'm on days during orientation....and I'm a true night-owl, and have worked nights for the last few years...waking up at 5:30am is a royal pain in the ass!)
On the whole, though, life is wonderful.....truly, simply, wonderful.
A.

So on to the update. I got called for the interview in Labor & Delivery (L&D). At first, I was nervous - not about the interview itself, but because of the change it might bring about....I was also nervous because I had heard some good and some bad things about that particular department (and their director, whom I'd be interviewing with). But I went...and it was a good interview. The director seemed a bit stand-offish, but seemed to be clear in her expectations and willing to back up her people. Personally, I'm not looking for my boss to be my buddy....or someone who breathes down my neck constantly, so I can handle it if she's stand-offish. As long as I know what she wants and how she wants it done. During the interview, I asked her if I could "job shadow" during a shift (to check out the environment there...primarily I wanted to see for myself how the staff interacted with each other). She said that in 24 yrs of doing her job, no one had ever asked her that before and she'd see if she could arrange it. Then she called me back a couple days later offering to let me 'shadow' this past Thursday.

I went in Thursday to shadow. I told myself that I needed to see how the staff interacted and what the workload was, etc. After I'd been there awhile, I realized that my head and heart were spinning. I knew that I have been led in this direction since I was small....have always been drawn inexplicably to mamas and their bellies and their babies. And I had worked as a doula for a few years before Nursing school....but that was 5 years ago. *And* I knew it had been calling to me again. What I was unprepared for was how "loud" it would call by me stepping into that unit. Here I was, surrounded by the sights and sounds and smells of birthing women....I knew that I'd have to go back. I guess it really doesn't matter what the staff is like or what the director is like....that's all work-related bullshit. After you learn who to schmooze and who to watch out for, the rest doesn't matter. What matters is that I get to work with laboring moms again. (For what it's worth, though, the staff seems to genuinely get along with and care for each other. I know that it was only one night, and there may be some 'bad seeds' in the lot, but there are at least a good hunk of folks that I can enjoy getting to know and work with)

I called the director on Friday and let her know that I'd take the job. My current schedule in the ER goes through Thanksgiving. The way it stands now, I'll work out the current schedule, then go to L&D. I'll be in orientation for 4-6 weeks, then be working on my own. The sucky part is that the majority of my orientation will occur during the day (7a-7p)...I am SO not a morning person that this will be a real pain in the butt.....but hell, I've waited this long, what's another couple months?

The timing couldn't be better. AJ and I have done our damndest to keep our relationship a secret at work. In the last week, three or four different people have come up one (or both) of us to ask about "us". And we are both in agreement that while we don't plan on sharing the news around (it's really none of their business), at the same time, we are unable to deny the existence of the other one in our life. If someone asks me if I'm seeing someone, I can give a noncommittal answer....but when someone asks me directly if I'm seeing AJ, I cannot say no....even if the word could come out of my mouth, my whole self would be pointing out that lie. The foundation of our relationship is love and honesty. I have hidden and lied about too much in my life, and it has become unacceptable - which is the driving force behind all of the changes I've made in the last year.....I simply cannot go back.......nor would I choose to.

I just went 'back home' primarily to attend the wedding of an old friend. I stayed at my parents house. While I was there, I was able to patch up some hurts between my mother and myself - mainly, I had been a thoughtless ass about something and I hurt her feelings....but we talked it out. I also told her that while I had no intentions of becoming an 'in-your-face gay rights activist', *I* was hurting because I felt like anytime I mentioned my girl, she changed the subject and I desperately want to share my good news.... So, we talked a bit about my girl and I .... I even showed her a picture of the two of us together.
I still know that her beliefs are very different than mine, but now, at least, I don't feel like I need to be guarded in what I say to her. Some things are still a bit tenuous, but healing and progressing rather than feeling ugly and stagnant.

In other news, still no news/interview/new info about the L&D opportunity. We'll see.